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To Live and not Just Exist

Choosing life, happiness, peace and joy. Oh and weight loss too

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love

Reflections

This last year has been a journey into the vast unknown for me. This is what I learnt:

I am not the black sheep I always thought I was. Yes, I once was a black sheep, but I have finally stopped letting that one moment of stupid define me. Mostly. Work in progress.

I am not the younger, weaker, less reliable sibling. Yes, in my life I have probably chosen or been manipulating into being that one, one too many times. That is not who I am. I have picked up a load that I would not have chosen for myself, and I have carried it rather well.

I empathize too easily. Far, far too easily. Sometimes, you have to let people deal with their own shit. Regardless of how much easier if would be if you did it for them.

I have more, and better, friends than I thought I did. Friends that take a mommy chicken when I can’t. Friends that bring me pretzels because I asked for them.  Friends that encourage and motivate and sometimes, just listen. Friends that go out of their way to be friends.

Making new friends is hard. So value the ones you have.

I need to sleep 8 hours minimum a night. If I don’t, the emotions in my head get too big for me. There is no fault in that, it runs in our family. Ensuring I get 8 hours plus a night, most nights, is me prioritizing me.

Losing a family is harder than I can ever tell anyone. But it is ok too. Loving someone means wanting what is best for them. Even if it doesn’t suit me.

It doesn’t matter how good you are, how loyal or true or kind or generous or understanding. Sometimes, because of the space that others find themselves in, you have to close a door and leave someone behind. Mourn the loss, forgive the hurt, remember the laughs. And move on.

Sometimes the load you carry feels like it will crush you into the ground. It rarely does. Unless you let it. Beyond all else, this year has taught me that actually, I am pretty damn fabulous.

Stronger than I thought.

Smarter and funnier than I believed.

Truer to my nature than others would have me believe.

Fat, fabulous, in control.

I think that sums it.

My weight is still an issue. Because I let it be. Because of massive doses of medication. Because I never learnt how to control it. But I keep trying. And despite what others say – trying matters. None of us are perfect.

Fabulous because I am me. And those that know me, will attest to that.

In control. Because what else is there?

Picture by Ann Gadd – http://artforewe.co.za/ and http://dogmaticart.co.za/

Goodbye

Today is hard.

Today is another step closer to gone.

Today is tears.

Today is my mind messing with the bits of me that are strong.

Today is another brick in a wall of finality, between here and there.

Today is a mother and grandmother in a mess and children and grandchildren who can’t yet see value in time spent.

Today is an old and weary soul that misses what she never had.

Tomorrow is telling her that the time has come for leaving.

We will stay behind. Her and I. And then eventually just I.

But it will pass. I have found a few souls that love me. A few that tolerate me. A few that left me. They fill up the space left behind.

And maybe some of them will become family.

Today is about choices. A door always swings both ways.

Today is, for my very own sanity, good luck and goodbye.

Today is so unbelievably  hard.

I hope you never know just how hard.

I hope you never see this kind of loss in the face of someone you love.

I hope you never cry these tears.

Today is hard.

I love you.

All of you.

Good luck.

I hope your new world treats you well.

Goodbye.

Stand

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Stand tall and stand brave.          
Allow no one to steal your Grace.

Stand not swayed by rhetoric or prejudice.                   
Opinion is only as powerful as education.
                                    
Stand not bowed by condemnation or judgement.            
Your right to be is immutable.

Stand strong in courage and acceptance.               
Life is too short and boring otherwise.     
                
Stand unique in your own beauty.            
We are all a canvas.

Stand powerful in your nature.  
It is completely as it should be.

Stand gracious in your oddity.   
God favours the interesting.  
    
Stand lightly on the shoulders of friends.
They will keep you afloat.

Stand clear of the judgement of others.             
Inevitably the high ground they inhabit is theirs alone. 

Stand wise in your experience.
Life is one long lesson.

Stand in awe of your Self.
Know that your true being is precious.
          
Stand tall and free and bold.
Allow no one to hold your past against you.                

Stand your truth.

For Paula

Almost a year ago I wrote this:

“I am glad animals don’t have souls. They have something better. Purer. Cleaner. There is no word for it I don’t think. But it is in their eyes.

I do not understand people who are intolerant of what others believe or how they live.

I do not understand people who view animals as something to be used and discarded, like last week’s rubbish.

I do not understand people.

I understand animals.

They are what they are, and they have no need to be more or less than that. They live. And they let live within the boundaries of their species.

We really should learn to do the same.”

I have added to my menagerie. It is more and bigger and truer and more precious than it ever was.

They give me joy and hope and love every day. Even old grumpy cat.

And I came to a realization, on hearing from a friend that her soul companion had crossed the rainbow bridge.

Animals, perhaps most especially dogs, reflect the truest part of all of us. Give a vicious soul a dog, and you will have a vicious dog.

Give a gentle soul a dog, and you will have the most profound connection you will ever experience in your life.

Perhaps they do not have souls because they do not need to earn the right to enter a better place. They do not need to prove themselves worthy.

And when they pass over, there is no question in my mind that they revert to the truest form of light and joy and wholeness and freedom that there is.

It does not make their passing any easier.

But they wait for us. Just out of sight. Just over the horizon. Whole and happy and at peace.

Run free Duchess. You are loved. You are adored. You are missed and you always will be. All of you are.

She waits for your Paula.

They all do. Happy and content to bide their time, till it is your time.

They wait for you. With love and patience.

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