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To Live and not Just Exist

Choosing life, happiness, peace and joy. Oh and weight loss too

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health

The Small Things

Sjoe, I have been gone a while.
Thing happened. Reality shifted. Time passed.
And here we are.
Life has this really annoying and occasionally cool habit of throwing stuff back in your face. At your lowest, or your highest, or somewhere in between. A little memory. A little song. A little blog.
A little bit of God.
I forget sometimes how far I have come. How hard this road was to travel. Sometimes I traveled it alone. Sometimes with family. Sometimes with friends. I have written before about being the Black Sheep. About being the Fat Chick.
Reality is – we are who we are in the moment. As kind or vicious, as generous or selfish, as alive or dead, as happy or sad. All we have is a moment. Because the next moment may be a life ender. Or a reality shifter.
In a moment, a Blessed moment, I walked into a gym with a little bit of hope. And I met a lovely lady who runs a gym, a lady of passion and laughter.
In a moment, an Inspired moment, I faced a lifetime of fears around what I look like. Around inherent sporting ability. And I thought screw it. I joined a gym.
In a moment, a Divine moment, I remembered that even though it is hard. I really do like exercising. I am crap at it. But that doesn’t change the Joy.
I have written before about finding Joy in the small things.
Sometimes the small things are the ache that comes from 18 flights of stairs.
The laughter that comes with trying to skip.
The giggle that accompanies a burpee done in the style of a deranged alien.
Sometimes the small things are driving on a farm road at 5 in the morning. In the mist.

Just you and your God.

Sometimes the small things are realising that you came from here….

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And you have gotten here so far…..

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With a whole world still to go…..

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Expletive’s ahead

When you have weighed as much as I have, you get this really weird idea of what you look like. The longer you are big, the more out of perception your idea of yourself becomes.

When buying clothing, you will automatically pick something way too big for you.

When parking, you will give yourself way more space than you actually need.

When thinking of going out, you will worry about fitting into chairs etc.

Airplanes and cinema seats fill you with dread.

It really can be more exhausting than I can ever explain.

All because that is how much space your body takes up in your own head.

Now that I have lost weight – I find that my perception of how big I am is still way off. Actually losing weight is not enough – because in my head I still take up way too much space.

For some reason, getting fit and being fit seems to mean more to the big me in my brain than what a scale says.

That being said – getting fit, being fit, and making all of that a priority in a life that has never been fit is freaking hard. The best of intentions fall by the wayside.

So I had a Fuck It moment yesterday. Inspired by my own self. And the gentle coaxing of fabulous friends.

I am going to be doing Adventure Boot Camp from 1 June 2015. Even though it scares the bananas out of me. Even though it is a commitment to 5 days a week of hard graft. Even through my lazy, frighted ass is trying very hard to rationalize to my fat self why I shouldn’t. Couldn’t. Don’t.

Because Fuck It I need to.

Fuck It, I want to weigh less.

And Fuck It – if I can run, if I can do that one thing that other people take for granted, then my brain will know.

I am not too big anymore.

I am just right.

Perception

What is bravery? Is it donning body armor and walking into the most dangerous shanty towns in Brazil? Is it a police woman or man getting up and facing the darkest parts of humanity every day? Is it soldiers at war, for their ideology or country?

Or is putting one foot in front of the other, when your foot is tired and your body is weak and nothing wants to work anymore?

Is it getting out of bed on the mornings when the pain and uncertainty weighs you down like concrete?

Is it managing to find laughter and joy and peace amidst the chaos that your life has become?

What is grace? Is it the woman who walk down the catwalks of Milan, in clothing that costs more than a small car? Is it the artificially stunning people of Hollywood who flaunt their wealth and beauty to the world? Is it a long dead princess, with an entourage of beauticians in the wings?

Or is it a glow in your skin because you are doing all you possibly can to be the best you can?

Is it a nature that finds the best in every soul it comes across?

Is it a soul, filled with joyous light where there should be sadness?

What is love? Is it Shakespearian dramas filled with angst and resistance? Is it the body of lust and shallowness? Is it the movies we see?

Or is it the love one soul has for another, which transcends health?

Is it giving your everything for one who has no strength?

Is it the caretaker, the nurturer, the selfless?

Perhaps it is all these things. And many more.

I have a friend with Multiple Sclerosis. Every day her bravery, joy and strength inspires me.

As does her beloved, whose attentiveness and selflessness astounds me every day.

Too often we don’t have any role models. Anyone to teach us how to find the best in ourselves just by being who they are.

I have 2.

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