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To Live and not Just Exist

Choosing life, happiness, peace and joy. Oh and weight loss too

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depression

I saw Hope today.

Today, I saw Hope.

I have already seen Grace and Faith in Town. Both of them Gifts that could so easily have been missed and overlooked.

Lost in the busy and the noise and the life that we live. Lost in the numbness of humanity.

Today was much like any other day. I got up, fed the things I love, drove the farm roads to work.

Today, I categorically did not feel like going to gym. From the moment I woke, I fought my own head.

“It’s cold.”

“It’s too early for this today.”

“I am so tired.”

“My ankle is sore.”

“My back is sore.”

“I have a sniff, people in the office are sick, I am probably well on my way to another session of cortisone / hospital.”

“I don’t want to.”

Sometimes, the thoughts in my head win. Sometimes, I fall back into bad habits and negative ideas and a uniquely twisted reality that is all mine, finely crafted from years of being way harder than I need to be on myself.

Precision honed to be cutting, demotivating, devastating and soul crushing.

There it is.

“I don’t want to.” Because what is the point? I have been doing this for a month and a half. And I have not lost 1 kilogram. Because everything is weight to me. And weight is everything to me.

“I don’t want to.” Even though I can climb a flight of stairs faster now, than I did a month and a half ago.

Even though I love it and it makes me feel like I am accomplishing something.

Even though every step is a journey to better. To healthier. To stronger.

I don’t want to. Because today it was just hard. Hard to be positive. Hard to be kind to myself. Hard to be motivated. Hard to be me.

Every step into the office a fight to convince myself that I am worth it. It is worth it. Get up and get going.

I am not sure why today was so hard. It just was.

Even when I was sitting taking my takkies off at Redemption Fitness Centre, my head was still at war with itself.

“You know you are probably getting sick so why bother?”

“You know you will fail in the long run, like you always do, so why not just give up?”

“You know you look especially large today and all the beautiful people are going to stare at you right?”

You get the idea.

And don’t get me wrong. None of these are formulated thoughts that run through my head. These are all just dark and oppressive snippets of thought, accompanied by the overwhelming weight of sadness and desolation.

I sat in the stillness of my heart and my mind and looked into the darkness that lives so very close to the edge of my soul, and I thought about letting it engulf me again. I thought about failing again.

Instead. I stood and looked out into the lit darkness beyond the windows. I thought about my path and who I am and where I am.

Again – none of it consciously formulated into structure. Just snippets of an idea and a feeling of light. Of potential calm. Of cleansing tears.

A moment in a moment where the dark of my soul fought the light of my soul. And I found a bit of Hope.

Hope for better. Lighter. Love. Laughter. Joy. God. Peace. Family. Strength.

Hope for me. For who I am. Who I have become.

Who I will be.

Hope. Just for me.

Sometimes God lives closer to you than you think.

Malaise

Depression and I are no strangers to each other. But this slow creeping, insidious malaise that snuck up on me is new. It seems to me that things become habit and habit became commonplace and commonplace became automatic and whammo – I woke up this morning on the verge of…

Tears?

Disappointment?

Loss of self?

I woke up tired. That much I do know. Tired of the automation of it. Of the responsibility. Of the day and night. Tired of the strength I fake. The joy I force sometimes. The shoulder I become. Tired of the effort. Tired of being tired.

I feel it most in my eating habits. Sometimes the wrongness of a whole lifetime of bad habits is what you need to get you through a day. Or a month. Or, like me, you look in a rubbish bin and suddenly realize what you are shoveling and just how long you have been shoveling it for. And you don’t even remember it. Was it good? Of course, I guess. In the moment. But that is not why you are shoveling. You are shoveling because depression makes you doubt who you are. What you have done. Who you became. You revert to a past you. A you that found joy and comfort in food and eating and the mechanism of shoveling.

Depression, malaise, self doubt – they all take the little bit of worth that you have scratched together in the dirt, that you have fought tooth and nail for, and they cast a shit filter on it.

Don’t get me wrong – your worth is not suddenly shit. Nor is it suddenly gone. For a moment, it is just not visible for what it is. It is bogged down in bog. For a moment – it is invisible and lost to you.

What suddenly broke my slow descent into full depression? Or perhaps halted my climb back out of it? Limbo is funny like that – you can’t really tell where you are. What hurried the tears and started this all?

I can’t do a sit up. Not for love nor money can I do a sit up. So I have spent an entire day contemplating the life that brought me to not being fit enough or strong enough to do a sit up.

None of what I achieved is nullified. Or less. Or lost.

It is just not enough today. I think that is ok too. It is not ok if it is tomorrow too. And the next. And not functioning. And mess and blubber and snot.

I think I am a little bit depressed today.

But that is ok too.

Maybe this is how you grieve a life. A loss. A family gone. A family going. Maybe this is who I am as well.

Not always the life and soul.

Maybe I am more than I allow people to see.

Look….

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