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To Live and not Just Exist

Choosing life, happiness, peace and joy. Oh and weight loss too

Month

November 2015

For all things, there is a time…

This is by far one of the most beautiful verses in the Bible.

At various times in my life I have gone back to it and reflected on the pain, loss, joy, hope that is inherent in it.

Today is one such day. A time for goodbyes. A time to leave. A time of loss. A time of hope. A time for new things and new beginnings.

A time to let go.

A Time for Everything

There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

    a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
    a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
    a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
    a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
    a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
    a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
    a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3

 

So I shall let go. Look up. Look to the light. Wipe the tears. And find my new way of being. A new way of strong. A new kind of family. A new place to be me.

I shall look up. And look to the Light.

Because the Light has ever carried me.

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The Lesson

This year has been a time of lessons. Hard lessons. Lessons in leaving. Lessons in what it means to be a family. Lessons in loss. Lessons in strength.

And a lesson in anger and mourning and heartbreak, again.

One more down,  one more to go.

As the clock ticks ever onward to another loss, another leaving – my heart breaks all over again. I don’t know how to bear this.

I don’t know how to forgive this. This being the one left behind. This loss of an entirety. This complete responsibility for another.

I don’t know how to be this.

And I don’t think I can ever forgive this.

Not that it matters. Life goes on. Life moves on. Stuck here in this pain, or there, in that joy.

I do not wish this on my worst enemy.

This loss. This profound emptiness. This raw hurt.

This abandonment.

I don’t know how to heal from this.

And I really hope I can forgive this. Not for them. They are gone. Whether I can bear that or not. They are all gone, or going.

For me. Because this hurts more than I can ever tell anyone. Because of who I am. And what they are to me.

Another one down, one more to go.

And then we will see.

That Time I Shut Up

This is sublime. And a lesson everyone should learn ASAP.

Missyspublicjunk

“The world is filled with people who, no matter what you do, will point blank not like you. But it is also filled with those who will love you fiercely. They are your people. You are not for everyone and that’s ok. Talk to the people who can hear you. Don’t waste your precious time and gifts trying to convince them of your value, they won’t ever want what you’re selling. Don’t convince them to walk alongside you. You’ll be wasting both your time and theirs and will likely inflict unnecessary wounds, which will take precious time to heal. You are not for them and they are not for you; politely wave them on, and continue along your way. Sharing your path with someone is a sacred gift; don’t cheapen this gift by rolling yours in the wrong direction. Keep facing your true north.”
– Rebecca Campbell, from her book, Light is…

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Reflections

This last year has been a journey into the vast unknown for me. This is what I learnt:

I am not the black sheep I always thought I was. Yes, I once was a black sheep, but I have finally stopped letting that one moment of stupid define me. Mostly. Work in progress.

I am not the younger, weaker, less reliable sibling. Yes, in my life I have probably chosen or been manipulating into being that one, one too many times. That is not who I am. I have picked up a load that I would not have chosen for myself, and I have carried it rather well.

I empathize too easily. Far, far too easily. Sometimes, you have to let people deal with their own shit. Regardless of how much easier if would be if you did it for them.

I have more, and better, friends than I thought I did. Friends that take a mommy chicken when I can’t. Friends that bring me pretzels because I asked for them.  Friends that encourage and motivate and sometimes, just listen. Friends that go out of their way to be friends.

Making new friends is hard. So value the ones you have.

I need to sleep 8 hours minimum a night. If I don’t, the emotions in my head get too big for me. There is no fault in that, it runs in our family. Ensuring I get 8 hours plus a night, most nights, is me prioritizing me.

Losing a family is harder than I can ever tell anyone. But it is ok too. Loving someone means wanting what is best for them. Even if it doesn’t suit me.

It doesn’t matter how good you are, how loyal or true or kind or generous or understanding. Sometimes, because of the space that others find themselves in, you have to close a door and leave someone behind. Mourn the loss, forgive the hurt, remember the laughs. And move on.

Sometimes the load you carry feels like it will crush you into the ground. It rarely does. Unless you let it. Beyond all else, this year has taught me that actually, I am pretty damn fabulous.

Stronger than I thought.

Smarter and funnier than I believed.

Truer to my nature than others would have me believe.

Fat, fabulous, in control.

I think that sums it.

My weight is still an issue. Because I let it be. Because of massive doses of medication. Because I never learnt how to control it. But I keep trying. And despite what others say – trying matters. None of us are perfect.

Fabulous because I am me. And those that know me, will attest to that.

In control. Because what else is there?

Picture by Ann Gadd – http://artforewe.co.za/ and http://dogmaticart.co.za/

Fanatics – the quickest way to get me to leave the venue….

If there is one thing in this world that I believe in, it is that every single person has a right to be exactly who they are. Part of that is also a belief that each of us has a right to our beliefs.

Fanatics and extremists per se don’t really bother me. At various times of our lives, each of us needs to believe in various things, to various degrees. Sometimes to get us through the day, sometimes to get us through an event, sometimes just so that we can keep breathing.

I have some hard core beliefs of my own.

There is a responsibility that comes with fanatical beliefs, though. The responsibility to allow others the same freedom you afford to yourself. Tolerance. Patience. Love. They should always trump judgement.

I met one such soul today. And I couldn’t run fast enough. Their beliefs trump all else. Family, friends, government, God. Even reason and logic. Even love and affection. Granted. Believe what you chose. However, you do not have a right to tell me or anyone else who to be, who to be friends with, who I am, and what I should or shouldn’t do.

You do not have a right to discard people like things, because your absolute logic supposedly trumps every single thing that they are. Every single bit of themselves.

You do not have a right to force your belief onto others, in the egotistical belief that your way is the only way.

Yes, you do have a right to not chose me.

But doors swing both ways.

While you are so busy being completely right and righteous, you forget that I also have a right.

A right to surround myself with people who love me and enjoy me and care for me above and beyond what they might think I should be or become. People who accept me. Even if I am flawed. Even if I am wrong. More importantly, who love me even when they think they know better.

I have a right to run. From your intolerance. Your discard. Your opinion.

Some people are not good for you. And you are not good for them.

Circular logic.

Are either of us right? Are both of us wrong? Does it matter?

I chose not to be around someone who cannot fathom who I am.

You have a right not to be around someone that you believe doesn’t measure up.

Neither of us are less than because of the choice. Maybe we are better off.

I met a fanatic today. It did not matter what the belief was. All that mattered was the intolerance.

A fanatic met me today. It did not matter who I was. All that mattered was that I did not measure up.

Doors swing both ways. Always.

And being right, absolutely right, to the nth degree? Damn that must be lonely.

Goodbye

Today is hard.

Today is another step closer to gone.

Today is tears.

Today is my mind messing with the bits of me that are strong.

Today is another brick in a wall of finality, between here and there.

Today is a mother and grandmother in a mess and children and grandchildren who can’t yet see value in time spent.

Today is an old and weary soul that misses what she never had.

Tomorrow is telling her that the time has come for leaving.

We will stay behind. Her and I. And then eventually just I.

But it will pass. I have found a few souls that love me. A few that tolerate me. A few that left me. They fill up the space left behind.

And maybe some of them will become family.

Today is about choices. A door always swings both ways.

Today is, for my very own sanity, good luck and goodbye.

Today is so unbelievably  hard.

I hope you never know just how hard.

I hope you never see this kind of loss in the face of someone you love.

I hope you never cry these tears.

Today is hard.

I love you.

All of you.

Good luck.

I hope your new world treats you well.

Goodbye.

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