When you have weighed as much as I have, you get this really weird idea of what you look like. The longer you are big, the more out of perception your idea of yourself becomes.
When buying clothing, you will automatically pick something way too big for you.
When parking, you will give yourself way more space than you actually need.
When thinking of going out, you will worry about fitting into chairs etc.
Airplanes and cinema seats fill you with dread.
It really can be more exhausting than I can ever explain.
All because that is how much space your body takes up in your own head.
Now that I have lost weight – I find that my perception of how big I am is still way off. Actually losing weight is not enough – because in my head I still take up way too much space.
For some reason, getting fit and being fit seems to mean more to the big me in my brain than what a scale says.
That being said – getting fit, being fit, and making all of that a priority in a life that has never been fit is freaking hard. The best of intentions fall by the wayside.
So I had a Fuck It moment yesterday. Inspired by my own self. And the gentle coaxing of fabulous friends.
I am going to be doing Adventure Boot Camp from 1 June 2015. Even though it scares the bananas out of me. Even though it is a commitment to 5 days a week of hard graft. Even through my lazy, frighted ass is trying very hard to rationalize to my fat self why I shouldn’t. Couldn’t. Don’t.
Because Fuck It I need to.
Fuck It, I want to weigh less.
And Fuck It – if I can run, if I can do that one thing that other people take for granted, then my brain will know.
I am not too big anymore.
I am just right.