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To Live and not Just Exist

Choosing life, happiness, peace and joy. Oh and weight loss too

Month

September 2014

Memories of Family.

Today, I thought about family. About how they are born, and how they are chosen. And I remembered my dad.

I don’t REALLY remember him. He died so long ago, before my memory was strong enough to hold onto him.

I think, over time, loss becomes allot like a freckle. I don’t see my freckles every day. I don’t notice them. But they are with me and part of me.

Anyway. I remembered my dad. The only really clear thing that my mind held. His laughter and his smile.

So I found the dance of joy. Because he loved it so much, and laughed so hard, I’ve managed to remember the sound of his laugh.

Isolation

So my world crashed. I caught a cold. Big whoop I hear you say?

Sunday morning 2 weeks ago I had a thought of a thought that I may be getting perhaps a tad ill.

Sunday night I was vrot (in South African vernacular that means rotten).

Monday morning I went to the GP. Repeat Tuesday. Repeat Wednesday. Wednesday I was admitted to hospital. Fast forward 8 days and the Multi Drug Resistant Bronchospasm and asthma I have finally started letting up enough for me to be discharged.

Fast forward a further 6 days and I still feel vrot. Only difference is that now I have a nice doctors bill to pay off.

Add a touch of depressed, a sprinkling of steroid induced irritation and a boatload of I’m just so tired of this shit and you have something that approximates how I feel right now.

Then my sister, the only real family I have left that matters (apart from my mom that is elderly) mentions that for job security they may have to emigrate to New Zealand.

Last night was a blur of tears and sleep and tears.

I don’t quite know how I got to this place of isolation. This place of if my sister leaves I have no one to really lean on or rely on. This place of financial strain and physical ridiculousness.

This place of sadness.

Growing up I don’t remember having dreams of a family and kids and what what.

But surely I did?

And now I am here.

No family. No kids. Isolated perhaps, alone definitely. Not necessarily lonely. Just very alone.

How do you change a reality?

I wouldn’t even know where to start.

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